The agency gave us a week to look over all her medical records and decide if we would move forward with her file. With all the miraculous details I explained in the last post, you would think our decision was easy. That obviously this girl was meant for us, so we should just move forward immediately, right? I wish it had been. And although God had tried to make it clear as crystal that this girl was meant for us, his counterpart was putting forth his best effort on me too. My goodness the adversary sure put up a fight that week. I cried unceasingly, happy tears and fearful tears. Anyone who I interacted with that week knows how emotional I was. I couldn't speak without crying. It was such a rollercoaster. One minute my mind was made up that we were moving forward, and the next I had every doubt and fear, every awful scenario that could go wrong run through my head. And I would feel completely confused and frozen.
What if her medical records don't show the full extent of her condition? Would she be in a wheelchair? Would she have hydrocephelus and its accompanying seizures? What about attachment disorders? Would she be bitter that our white, blonde hair, blue eyed family brought her to a rural farming community with hardly a trace of racial/cultural diversity? Would she despise us for taking her away from her country and traditions? Would she be teased in school because she'll look different from the other kids? Am I selfless enough to give her the care she needs if she ends up being in a wheelchair? Am I willing to compromise our current active/outdoor/traveling lifestyle to accommodate the restrictions a wheelchair would bring? I often feel overwhelmed being a mother to my three biological children, how dare I think I could take on another child? Am I just perpetuating the growing issue of orphanage tourism? Am I capable? Am I doing the right thing?
With only a few days away from needing to give the agency an answer, I felt there was so much confusion and noise in my head. We had gone to 7 different medical specialists to have them look over her medical records. We got a lot of positive feedback, but some that was unnerving. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. Although I had prayed multiple times throughout the week, I still didn't feel I had my answer. I know the Spirit will never give you doubts, only questions to help you clarify and I knew the adversary had a solid grip on me and the doubts and fears had consumed me.
I called upon God to get rid of the dark influences and voices of fear and doubt playing in my mind and I suddenly felt the ugly weight of those evil spirits leave. That night I had an event to get ready for and as I jumped in the shower, and with tears streaming down my face, I raised my head to heaven and asked out loud, "Father, you are the only one who knows this little girl. The doctors can't give me the answers I need. I don't know her and I've done all I can to research and pray. But you are the only one who can give me an answer. I have to know and I need you to tell me if we should move forward or not. Immediately following that plea, I heard a voice. It wasn't a still, small voice like I've heard many times over. But a loud, firm voice as though it were right next to me say, "Do you trust me?" I replied. "Yes. You know I do." The voice then responded, "Then watch me work." And immediately a burning yet peaceful feeling came over my entire body. I finally had my answer.
And I have not questioned it since. A few months after this experience, I had to look for a specific piece of paper in our little girl's file, and I came across her medical records. It occurred to me that since that day in the shower, I had not even thought about her condition. Not once. That is the kind of peace God can give. When God gives us the go-ahead and is on our side, it's amazing how freeing and beautiful our lives feel. I know it doesn't mean everything will work out flawlessly or that there will not be any hurdles, but it does mean, that, come what may, we know she is supposed to be with us and I can do all things through Christ. The Spirit said, "watch me work". What that work is, I'm not sure. But I do know that He will follow through and I can't wait to see how this little girl's life's mission is played out.